1. You awaken in the library, dazed and confused as to who and where you are. Staring at the drool-covered anthropology book on the table, it all comes back to you - you are a sophomore at Bard college, living on campus with no car. It's late Saturday afternoon, and you realize that you need to make plans for tonight. You're not a senior, so you know you have plenty of time on your hands (isn't that why they close the library early on weekends?). You gather your books, stuff them into your oversized Jansport back pack and head for Kline. Arvie takes your card with a smile, and as you search for a table you see some friends. You ask them if they have plans. You are told that there is a big party in the old gym. Then your friends leave, and you are left to sit, alone and paranoid, staring at people you barely know but loathe anyway as you eat too much of the food you don't like. What should you do tonight?
Do something (anything) else? Turn to #2
2. You decide you've never really liked Bard parties too much, and there must be something else to do. You return to your room. Getting off campus would be nice - how about a movie? You look for the newest Upstate films calendar, but you discover that they have just started a month long Prussian silent documentary film festival. You try to call all of your friends with cars to see what they're doing, but they've all either already left, or are already drinking in preparation for the party later.
Do you
Go to the party after all? Turn to #8
3. You have decided to get fucked up. You ask around, and find out that some of your friends are going to drop acid, some of them are going to smoke pot, and some of them are going to get drunk.
What do you want to do?
4. Your friends give you a hit of acid, assuring you that it's really good stuff, and perfectly safe. You go back to someone's room and listen to music for a while, then everyone gets giddy and restless. You all decide to go to the falls. On the way there, people keep wandering off saying, 'oh wow' until you realize that you are all alone. Suddenly the shadows seem very, very sinister. There are a lot of creepy sounds getting louder around you as you grow more and more frightened. The sidewalk in front of you begins to melt, and you are certain you are about to fall into the pits of the Bard underworld...
The End
Return to #1 to choose another adventure!
5. You still don't like Bard parties, so you decide to stay home for the night and catch up on your pleasure reading. You find a really good book you've been meaning to get to, and by the time you're ten pages into it you realize it's better than you expected. You stay up really late reading, but finally you decide to go to bed. You open your door to go brush your teeth before bed. Who's that coming down the hall toward you? It's a drunken junior, and he's staggering your way! Before you have time to decide, he's reaching toward you, and he opens his mouth. As the smell hits, you begin to black out...
The End
Return to first page to choose a new adventure!
6. You still aren't having fun, but you're a lot happier about it now than you were earlier. You and your friends are laughing about how trashed you all are, and you've made several trips to the bathroom and the water fountain. The music is pretty good, but you can only stay inside for a few minutes at a time because your head starts pounding too hard.
Do you
7. You stand in front of the old gym, drinking with your friends. The bass from the music inside blares around you as you talk with your friends about how lame it all is. You agree that parties were better your freshman year. Some people even drunker than you are smashing bottles on the ground outside of Albee, and three drama majors are screaming and chasing each other around on the hill in front of the old gym. You realize that you are not having fun.
Do you
8. You decide that Bard parties aren't so bad after all, and besides, you've heard that the band playing tonight is actually pretty good. Also, someone tells you that your favorite Bard band, Boba Fett's Hammered Booty Boy Grunt, is opening. You really like them - they're kind of like a cross between James Brown, the Pixies, the Clash, and, um... anyway, you decide you should go to the party after all. You call a few friends and find out that they're going, too. They all want to get fucked up. You think about this.
Do you
Want to get fucked up, too? go to #3
Want to go without getting fucked up? Go to #10
9. One of your friends has a new bong that you are all dying to try out. You go back to their room and take a few hits. Someone spills some bong water, and everyone cracks up. After a while you are laughing, and everyone agrees that it's time to get something to eat. You decide to go to DeKline and watch TV and eat until they close, by which time you will probably be ready to go to sleep anyway.
The End
Return to page 1 to choose a new adventure!
10. You decide you don't really feel like getting fucked up tonight. You just want to go and enjoy the music. Besides, you have a lot of work to do tomorrow. You leave your dorm with a friend to go to the old gym. On your way there, your friend threatens that this had better be a lot more fun than last week's party, or they will kill themselves. You spend the rest of the walk there talking about the rule that says if your roommate kills themselves, you get straight As. When you get to the old gym, you shoulder through a milling crowd of people through the doors only to discover that the bands haven't gone on yet. Your friend goes to get in the beer line, leaving you alone in the crowded room. You wander around for an hour, but still can't find anyone to talk to. Finally, the bands start playing. Your favorite Bard band, St. Annandale's Spineless Orgiastic Country Jam, isn't playing up to par, but you decide to stay for the main act anyway. They sound even worse than your friends did - if only you could remember their name; something to do with some psychological disorder, but you just can't remember. Anyway, they suck, and the levels of cigarette smoke and spilled beer have grown nigh intolerable. Your friend from earlier taps you on the shoulder and yells, "Isn't this great?" They wave a beer cup at you and stagger off. They seem to be having a good time...
Do you
Get fucked up after all? Go to #3
11. You've decided to get trashed. You realize that this will require a steady source of alcohol for the evening, so you ask some friends. One friend has a twelve pack of Genny Cream Ale which they are willing to share. Another friend has a bottle of Vodka. A third friend says that there are four kegs inside the old gym, and invites you to join them in the beer line.
Do you
Head for the keg line? Go to #13
Do you
Start your own satire magazine? Go to #25
13. You and your friend are inside the old gym, waiting in the beer line. It seems to stretch on forever, but you know that eventually your patience will be rewarded. You only hope that you get your drink before the bands give you even more of a headache than you've already gotten from standing in line in the hot gym and breathing the smoke filled air. At last you get your beer, nice and flat the way you like it. The person running the keg even agrees to give you two cups, since you've been waiting so long. You're pretty sure this was a lame attempt to hit on you, but you don't care because you got extra beer out of it. You and your friend wonder what to do next.
Do you
14. You're now completely trashed. You stagger around wondering what time it is, trying to figure out whether or not the bands have stopped playing for good. Oh well, you were getting sick of them, anyway - they were good, but it was getting way too loud and hot in there, and those idiots in the front slam dancing were ruining it for everyone. No, you want something else to finish off your night - you want to get laid.
15. You wake up the next morning at noon with a pounding headache. You begin to remember the previous evening, and the person you vomited on. How will you avoid them at brunch? You consider all of the work you have due on Monday, less than 24 hours away. You decide that it wasn't worth it - no way are you ever going to spend another night doing that again.
16. Since you're not having fun yet, you've decided to drink some more, believing this to be the only way your evening will improve at all. You ignore the slight headache you have and remind yourself to go drink some water in a minute. You try to guess how drunk you already are, but you aren't really sure. You will drink more. Then things will get fun. You proceed to drink as much as you think you can handle.
Do you
17. The music is pretty good - your favorite Bard band, Lisa Lisa's Plastic Guppy Bubble Trio, play a fantastic set, and the main act, you still can't remember their name but you think it's something to do with one drug or another, are really good. After a while, the heat gets to you, and you just don't want to be inside any more.
Do you
18. You want sex. In the real world, this might be a problem, since at this point you are completely drunk, have lost most of your ability to speak coherently, and have begun to drool on yourself. However, a quick glance around the room informs you that all of your potential romantic prospects are in a similar condition. You rub your hands with glee, and prepare to get down to work. You step forward and stand alone for a minute, just to make sure that everyone realizes you are alone and therefore presumably available. You take a big sip of your drink, so that none of the interested parties make the mistake of thinking that you aren't as absolutely trashed as you are. You spy a prospective across the room, and proceed to look past them once, then twice, and then a third time. Then you look straight at them, and to your surprise they are returning your stare. You edge through the crowd sideways toward them, careful to pretend to be paying attention to something straight ahead so as not to seem overly eager. From the edge of your peripheral vision you can see that they are doing the same thing. You meet near the middle of the crowd and pretend to be watching the stage for a minute. This becomes awkward quickly, since the bands have already stopped playing. You start a conversation.
Coin flip-
If you choose Heads, go to #19
If you choose Tails, go to #24
19. You have just started hitting on a freshman. Not that you're going to hold this against them - there are other things you're more interested in holding against them than that. Besides, you're both too mature to let something meaningless like age get in your way. You start the appropriate conversation, and after discussing that night's bands and each other's majors for a few minutes, you agree that it's just too darn hot in there, and you'd both like some fresh air. You head back to their room, since you live on north campus and you're both too drunk and horny to walk that far, and besides, their roommate is away for the weekend. Or so you think - no sooner have you begun exploring each other's undergarments when the supposedly absent roommate returns, incredibly drunk, sick, and upset about something. Your would-be partner tries to communicate with them, but fails. You begin to feel awkward, and ask if you should leave. They look at you sadly, imagining what could have been, and agree.
You walk home unhappily, jealous of all the couples you see wandering around together.
You wake up the next morning at noon with a pounding headache. You begin to remember the previous evening, and the person you almost wound up sleeping with. How will you avoid them at brunch? You consider all of the work you have due on Monday, less than 24 hours away. You decide that it wasn't worth it - no way are you ever going to spend another night doing that again.
20. You go back to their room. You have sex. Then you go home. You'd like something more explicit, but that's really all you remember.
21. On the way to stone row, you begin vomiting uncontrollably. Your intended partner tries to be helpful at first, but you keep doing it and they begin to get disgusted. They start to walk away. You would protest, but you're too busy trying to hold your spleen down to care that much. You stagger to the nearest bathroom.
Do you:
Try to make it home? Go to #15
play it safe - stay in the bathroom a while. #22
Try to make it back to the party to pick up on someone else? #18
22. You are lying in the floor of a bathroom on main campus. The tile is nice and clean - you don't think you've ever been there before, but you can't be sure. You've stopped vomiting at last, and your vision is beginning to clear. You could get up, sure, but what if the vomiting started again? No, better to just stay. It's a nice place. Nicer than your room, you notice with growing envy. Happy to have found a comfortable place, you close your eyes and decide to spend the rest of the night right there in the bathroom, resting in existential peace.
The End
23. You wake up the next morning at noon with a pounding headache. You begin to remember the previous evening, and the person you had sex with. How will you avoid them at brunch? You consider all of the work you have due on Monday, less than 24 hours away. You decide that it wasn't worth it - no way are you ever going to spend another night doing that again.
24. You have just begun to hit on an upperclassman. So far so good, they seem interesting. You've gotten them talking about their plans for senior project, which is keeping them talking long enough to figure out your next moves. The two of you agree that it's just too darn hot in there, and some fresh air would be nice. It turns out they have a single in Stone Row - not that far away at all. You head for their room together.
Choose heads or tails.
The End
Try these Other Books in the Bard Adventure series
Choose your own
...And Many more!
A Freek Republic Production.
Page maintained by David Chaplin-Loebell | Bard College Hijinx Page | david@klatha.com) | comment form